November 30, 2010
Well, November is just about over. Time slips by me way too fast.
My head is everywhere again this morning. I left a phone message us today for Nancy L to call – financial adviser. This step seems cold and calculating. It is calculating, planning for future, but I hope not cold. There are questions to sort out, the “what if’s.” Will Dave get through the school year? Should I figure some are working and money is gone? I fear if he isn’t working, that will be “it.” He’s done. Work/career/teaching is his LIVE-lihood. His core. And he is so good at it.
Dave and I discussed his treatment, including what if he doesn’t do chemo. I know there is much trepidation. I doubt he is ready to die, but the thread for living is thinner now. There is such an active nine year-old inside him: curious, loving life, scared. He’d fly to the Moon if it were possible.
Work – it consumes me. I’m stuck in bereavement but also this parallel “anticipated grief.” At least Dave acknowledged for me that we have known that we would likely face his death before mine. We’ve been here, anticipating, since the day we said, “I do.” That’s just as much a secret to longevity in our relationship as it is an obstacle. We’ve always have a choice to be married – now 27 years. We’ve never taken for granted that we’d have forever.
Alcoholism, Hodgkin’s Disease, Listeria Meningitis, Stroke, Kidney removal, and a few other challenges between. No wonder Dave kind of laughed when talking to Dr. Williams yesterday. What more? Lung cancer. Ick.