Ah-Musing Starts Here
Nine years ago, I penned my first personal journal entry that was published as Grief Reflection and evolved into Navigating Grief. It was titled Thanksgiving Morning. The words arose from my pain and heart and gathering of story as I faced the diagnostic reality of my husband Dave’s terminal cancer.
One of the most important questions for me after his death, and I recognize today for a survivor, for a widow, is Who am I, Now? This often formulates loudly in year two or three, post death. The profound loneliness, the emptiness, turns inward for the long proverbial labyrinth walk to come to terms of Self, health, meaning and consciousness. Well, that’s my story. And a story of many women I’ve met in their widow’s journey. It is a story of people in general as well: Facing emptiness into Who am I, now? after the death of a loved one who helped define the sense of who one has been. It is the story of emptiness which is confronted in other griefs as well without regard for what might appear on the other side of loss.
Four deaths – Significant deaths. Husband. Mother. Step-father.
Brother. In that chronological order.
Two moves – Downsizing. Three years living in a “55+” rental community. Now I am mortgaged into an urban single-family home – single-person home. Ongoing revisions and major remodel, decluttering, purging, shifting, resizing, hanging on and letting go… An aging woman with two aging cats!
One business – Multiple evolutions as I opened and closed
opportunities and methodologies to connect and grow individually, together and
through my own development that is a life and business of Navigating Grief.
Four surgeries – A patch to cover the hole of a bone in my head; Replaced both hips with titanium; Medically endorsed eye lift so I can see more easily what is in right in front of me. Four times under the knife in nine years, confronting the will-I-wake-up anesthesia, and releasing control to the surgeon to help me make life feel better.
Countless studies –Certifications, workshops, books,
retreats, travel, teaching, vulnerable calls with friends, tears—oh my all the
tears, and learning anger. Pushing, pulling and stopping. Shaping, molding and reconfiguring.
Questioning, doubting, trusting.
One incredible birth. A grandson.
Who am I, now? Who am I?
Evolving the Lessons
The ultimate lesson, message and inquiry is How do I love myself? And, then what? What does it matter — literally, matter? In between, I always ask my favorite lifetime question: What’s the point?
I see the connecting dots in this short list for what I am
here to offer nine years and a day later after that Thanksgiving morning in
2010. This is my Model for Whole Being, illustrated in the common three
circle picture of balance.
The Body (surgeries and physical
care), and the Mind (educational activities) seek alignment in the
intersection of environmental surrounding (home and health).
The Beliefs (Why do I still exist?)
and the Mind (consciousness) seek alignment in the intersection of
language via questioning the state of human and spiritual worlds. Who or what is
real? Trying on truth (at least, someone’s truth). Overcoming the fear to have
an opinion and saying it aloud.
The Beliefs (I know who I
am) and the Body (actions) seek alignment in the intersection of energy to
manifest results into creation for change, as the response to an event of
At its center, the Heart. Whole Being is by design to know, feel and think through a universal abundance into the heart’s resonance of life itself.
For me this model inspires my walk forward with open eyes, in consciousness for what I believe might help change the environment for the betterment of humanity! I know deeply in every cell that I am not alone on this path seeking whole being and being well and doing good. Which in design, means neither are you.
Beyond to a New Readiness
Nine years later on this Day after Thanks-Giving, I ready myself to talk the walk to Who I am, now, and who I might continue to discover. Its inception was profound and significant loss. I offer my Self in what manifests through conscious meaningful and purposeful action. I dare me to share my story for how the initiating death of my husband is the “breaking of the shell which encloses my understanding” for choosing life (Gibran). In this outward musing I share my understanding that we all, each of us, are here to seek and share the many messages of love.
I tell you that understanding must begin with focus on you first as you heal your personal inner wounds of your own pain and hurt when death, grief and loss forces your wake-up to familial connection and societal inequality. I invite you to walk your own path of healing with the understating and hope that it also heals me.
This is a parallel moment from a Thanksgiving Grief Reflection nine years ago into some Ah-Musing notes, light-hearted reflections on being in life after significant loss. Surfacing henceforth is my latest evolution, Joan 2.0, coined as my brother and I fought for healing conversations through tiny text messaging and icons during the waning weeks prior to his death.