As It Should Be

Monday April 8, 2013

Home again.

It is becoming few and further between Grief Reflections for me. As it should be. I am in a new space of life. My life. Without Dave. Not we. Me.

I just returned from a road trip with Leah and her boyfriend Scott to see my mother and stepfather in California. Both have precarious states of health and illness, leaving us vulnerable to facing more personal grief and loss in a predictable future. In their 80s, the seasons of life will wind down in a matter of time. How much is anyone’s guess. Each visit is as much hello as it is a silent goodbye. I get that. Our visit together was enjoyable and healing. Seeing each other again feels simultaneously limited and endless. Read more

I Need Me

Sunday June 10, 2012

It is not unusual for me to wake up with a song playing in my head. Well, actually I haven’t had one in a long time as I think about it. But this morning, after a few minutes awake in bed, here came the words, a song Dave would take lead vocal in his bluegrass days: “Don’t you call my name, ‘cause I won’t answer, Don’t you call my name, ‘cause I won’t be there.” Ouch. I’ll just let this sit a while.
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Monday, June 4, 2012

Arggggghhhhh. I want to scream aloud. A long, cathartic, unbridled yell of release. Frustration. Grief. Loss. Fear. Aloneness. Angst. Pain. I just want to let it all fall away with the sound of a scream. I want to be like a snake that moults its skin. Crawls right out of itself and emerges anew – sleek, smooth, shiny and refreshed. I want to leave the crusty image of myself, the remnants of what is old and meant to be left behind.

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Crossing a Bridge

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I’m back! It seems a long time since I was typing away with my inner voice dictating, narrating my life. But here I am. It’s mid-morning and I actually slept in. Well, I would have officially if the phone hadn’t rang. Nonetheless, I slept later than usual. I haven’t gotten dressed and I don’t feel like I have to. Except it is a beautiful warm and sunny day and I just may have to wander outside. There is nothing finer in the Pacific Northwest than a sunny day! Everyone smiles.

I am in between. Now nearing three months since Dave’s death, I am sensing the routine of the world – both the outside and my own. Life is going on. I have settled into a pace of my life as a soloist, albeit slower that I’d wish. I heard his voice in a dream (or a visitation?) this morning, strangely comforting and bringing me peace.

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One Year Ago

Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving Morning 6:00 am

One year ago.

I just want to write enough to acknowledge my first thoughts this morning. One year ago I started writing, looking for the silver lining after Dave’s diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. We are all “temps” Dave would say, referring to the now past Dead Like Me television series.

One year ago. I started a private handwritten journal to release the fear and worry and angst of change. The anticipation of loss.
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Shopping for Change

Monday, November 21, 2011

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

When the going gets tough the tough go shopping. Or so I’ve heard.

I almost resemble that remark. I do spend a bit more money on things when I feel stressed. Or maybe stressed isn’t the right word.  It is stress, but it is the stress that comes from not being able to control what’s happening around me, as in Dave’s health. So I make buying choices. I control my environment.
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Grief Reflection Scholarship Event

To Gratitude, with Love

Thursday October 13, 2011

I know it’s time to check in with myself here. It’s been almost two weeks. The last entry was September 30. As I was reeling (and still do) over my SCDS, a new life arrived on that same September 30. My step-daughter’s step-daughter gave birth to her daughter! Sayler is welcomed into this world. Denise and Chuck are grandparents! (Whew. I met Denise when she was a teenager and now she’s a grandma!) We’re great grandparents? How weird is that! The event is a poignant reminder of the full cycle of life.

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