I Need Me

Sunday June 10, 2012

It is not unusual for me to wake up with a song playing in my head. Well, actually I haven’t had one in a long time as I think about it. But this morning, after a few minutes awake in bed, here came the words, a song Dave would take lead vocal in his bluegrass days: “Don’t you call my name, ‘cause I won’t answer, Don’t you call my name, ‘cause I won’t be there.” Ouch. I’ll just let this sit a while.
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The Last Dance

Monday, February 20, 2012

On the Monday before Dave died (during a wee hour on Wednesday), I went shopping. Over the last couple of weeks prior, getting out for a few minutes for groceries, work-out, drugstore items or a little breather was difficult both emotionally and logistically. Over the previous week I had been looking for some stationery notes, something Dave could pen just a small “love you” to his kids, in his handwriting. I don’t know why but all I could find were flowery, girly cards. I suppose an index card would have work, but I had in mind a nice keepsake card that could be tucked inside the memory box I am having made. I didn’t have the energy to put some kind of card together myself at that late moment.

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Inching Along

Saturday, February 11, 2012

“I’m starting to catch glimpses of some small handwriting on the fireplace wall.” Dave will spend hours sitting on the edge of the bed facing the electric furnace fireplace and mantle in our bedroom. “Fine, handwritten words,” he says with a gesture of writing in the air I’ve seen him do in his sleep. It conjures up an image for me of parchment paper with the Declaration of Independence script transparently imposed over the façade of the white wood.
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Random Acts of Thought

Thursday February 2, 2012

It’s already 9:30 am. It feels like most of the morning has passed. I spend more time waking Dave, getting his pills, Ensure, tidying up than needed in past months… our new routine. I find myself in more of a decision mode, “do this” or “that” rather than “do you want?” Like taking over the divvying out of pills, it perhaps is better for us both to have a leader. I guess that’d be me! Dave is apparently in agreement to hand over the reins.
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Nature’s Path

Sunday, January 22, 2012

In December 1996, the Pacific Northwest, where I live, was hit by a huge ice storm. As “The Evergreen State” Washington is known for its beautiful tall forests of trees. At the time our hillside house backed up to several acres of undeveloped wooded property. It was semi-rural living close to town.

One night, as many people around here will remember, Mother Nature’s coldest rain clung to each of the naked branches of deciduous trees and greenery. Then it froze. Our entire community became an ice sculpture of itself as a gloss of translucent whiteness covered houses and lawns and streets, and of course, the trees. It was beautiful as only ice can be. But beneath the beauty and awe, danger waited. Ice is brittle, and heavy.
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Lost and Not Found

Saturday January 21, 2012

It’s almost noon, three days in the aftermath of snow, ice, major power outage, lack of back-up oxygen, wind and trees falling. I’m just getting my bearings. There is a fridge and both freezers to dump bad food and replenish. Leah’s watching TV with her dad. I called her to come spend the night after I couldn’t wake him for his evening pills. I wasn’t hysterical, but I couldn’t stop the flood of tears. I’m usually calm in the storm, but afterwards it all comes pouring out.  I had been exhibiting and feeling my calm for days. It was a scary moment, a-pull-up-a-chair-and-hold-hands-at-the-bedside-moment, and one I am sure will play out again. Change is definitely upon us. The world looks better today, only relatively speaking, but clearly our lives have shifted. The stress of the last few days has taken a toll along with the cancer.

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Still Here

Saturday December 31, 2011

Yes, of course, it’s the last day of 2011. Looking backward, looking forward. We all do this; it’s predictable and the topic can be anticipated in any blog or journal, public and private.

I have been fighting myself all week. Depressed? Exhausted? Post holiday again? My motivation and energy extend just to me and Dave, the bare minimum of care and feeding of us both. And this morning… it is the last day of 2011, ready or not. That means tomorrow I face a new year, a new beginning, right?

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Change is in the Air

Saturday, December 17, 2011

We started a private Facebook page for the extended family to stay in touch and for me to post some updates about Dave’s health. It’s nice because most of us use Facebook including the grandchildren. We don’t even have to be “friends” to send messages this way!

It’s a funny place to share at times. But here I can provide one message so everyone accesses the same message. Responds are also shared equally. Social media has changed the way people communicate.
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