I Don’t Know

July 3, 2011

I am feeling so much again. The rollercoaster emotions are back. Just when I think I can get comfortable along comes change. Dave has had a couple of rough days with the nausea and stomach or intestinal upset. This “stage” of healthcare – hospice – is all about symptom management. No tracking down reasons in particular, just solving the issues so to speak.

We placed a portable air condition in the room. Even many new homes are still built without central air conditioning in the Pacific NW. Our south-facing second story bedroom gets very warm after a few days above 70 or 75. It doesn’t happen often (sadly for our climate, good for our home comfort) and the downstairs stays comfortable most of the time, so in the past we would just retire later in the evening. The room could cool down with the night air and a couple of cross ventilation fans. Now Dave is in the bedroom all the time so it is necessary to cool it down during the mid-afternoon sun. I’m glad we don’t have the oxygen machine in the room, or that would be even worse from the heat that thing outputs.

Thus, the portable AC machine has arrived. It’s ugly! And industrial looking. The look is certainly not within the style of the room. Plus, this is one more object along the obstacle course that is our bedroom.

I suppose I really like window dressing right now. Keep the outside in order, regardless of what’s inside. I distract myself with buying and fixing (also known as trying to find control). I find I am puttering, straightening, moving, changing little items around the room and the house. I placed the thumbprints of the kids on a small easel for Dave to see. I moved the armoire shelves the TV sits atop so the cable box and DVD player could be placed for easier access (because there is a chair close by now that interferes with the remote use). I flipped the dog and cat dishes and other floor items in the panty. It’s like I have to shake up and build new pathways of thinking and response. I am forcing change in the small things around me. The big things seem to change themselves.

I, too, had a very restless day yesterday. I couldn’t settle into working. I didn’t have much patience. There was no focus to my activities. I want to nap twice a day like a baby. Even now, I jump around the house and projects as much as these random thoughts land on paper. I hadn’t even set out to write this morning, but here I am.

I don’t know….  I just don’t know.

The “I don’t know” voice is regularly coming out of Dave, too. Not a phrase I’m used to hearing from him, this is the stock answer about routine things: food, what to watch on TV, do you want this or that now or later, what’s causing the stomach problem? It doesn’t matter what the topic is, often the answer is “I don’t know.” Do these decisions really mean much? Probably not, and perhaps that is the point of I don’t know.

My emotions are blowing in and out as quick as the weather. Cloudy, sunny, windy, cool, hot. I stepped outside to savor my tea this morning, take in some fresh air and attitude. By then end of the cupful, the clouds hid the warmth and light of the sun. This too shall pass. Wait a little while. It will change again!

1 reply
  1. George Schroeder
    George Schroeder says:

    Today I was thinking about Adams and Jefferson and some conversations Dave and I had about their relationship. Ironically, as we all know, they both died the same day…July 4, 1826, 50 years after 1776.
    We had discussions about them and their writings to each other later in life and how much they came to respect each other. It’s July 4th and I think a lot about our country, about Dave, about you and your family.
    As hot as Florida is, we all have central air. Sorry about the heat.
    Tell Dave that when I saw the CNN videos of all the swearing in of new citizens today I had a tear in my eye. I’m a better patriot because of him and always admired his ability to talk with someone on the other side of the political spectrum and have him disarmed in minutes.
    You are in our prayers…


Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.