Friday, December 3, 2010
Wow. So much in my head this morning. I need to start with yesterday though. (What a shift. I’m looking backward now)
I love the am talks with Dave. Always have. Once I bring his coffee to him in bed (how good is that?!) I only need to give him a few moments before I start my babbling.
I write with my first cup of coffee. I think with my first cup of coffee. It’s a brain dump moment. Any dream remnants or leftover thoughts just start talking to me. Whatever has been stewing is now ready to eat, so to speak. Dave hears all this as soon as he awakens since I am usually up anywhere from ½ hour to a couple of hours before he rises.
What’s amazing is how clearly he responds to my first thoughts. And yesterday, I gave him what I figured was big. I’m writing, I’m grieving. What if I do this publicly? I have sorted out that at some point in time I will share my grief, even loss, (his death) with my growing audience.
I have been sitting with myself: inside and outside as participant and observer. I am running myself through the advice/ suggestion I give. So why not unfold this journey as it happens.
Yesterday, actually Wednesday, I took the action I needed. I gave myself the permission to lead myself and family through this path. What a huge weight was lifted for me. The moment…
( I just recalled a dream with [friend] Kris driving by our house in her van, her head out the window. She was yelling that the support group was very good. I said I’d be going with her soon. Fade street scene.)
The moment I decided to go to the Christmas Forest by myself was key. I had free tickets given me by Providence Hospice for my volunteer work. Late Wednesday I had a local radio station e-mail indicating that this was the last day. Oh-no! I’d asked Leah to go with me. We did several times when she was a child. This display of designer holiday trees is a fundraiser for the hospital. I loved Leah’s delighted reaction about going! So I called her in the afternoon about when she would showing up at the house. “Let’s just do it.” It was a bad emotional day for us both, having gone through so much discussion with Dave on Tuesday. She couldn’t rally herself to join me. I couldn’t not go. For many reasons:
- I need to act.
- I can’t allow myself to get stuck.
- I wanted to see the trees!
- I hoped to show Leah it’s OK.
- The tickets were a gift.
This step helped me. I took the positive route. Just getting out of the house was important.
Then on Thursday morning I woke up and knew I must begin a more public journey. I shared this idea with Dave. He unhesitatingly gave his OK. Frankly, I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with the reverse: if I was ill and Dave was blogging. Well OK, it’s not so bad when I really think about it. It goes to show what a huge support he is for me – his absolute trust in me and the unconditional love I receive. This is what I’ll miss most: when I don’t have his advice and listening with my first cup of coffee.