Did I Say That?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Writing personal thoughts habitually has become ingrained in my morning. I thought I was going to skip my first thoughts so I could just jump into some work related e-mails. What I found was that my first e-mail out is actually better as a journal entry:

Dear friend,

I was playing on Skype yesterday and thinking of you. Actually I had meant to drop a line before this anyway.

Dave is being admitted to hospice. The turn of events after he took his chemo pill has been dramatic. He is basically homebound, and really, bedroom bound. Spirits are holding up well given our circumstances. We are doing what needs to be done for now. We have a great support system in place medically and continue working on support emotionally.

I am continuing my work, albeit about half-time. I’m a bit torn because it feels like a betrayal, yet I know that I must. I guess my independent nature is at play and perhaps I can consider this a strength rather than  a weakness.  Because I am home I can certainly be at hand for any changes. He sleeps and I awaken early. There are several hours I can focus during this time. There really is no reason to feel guilt. And my work, my writing in particular keeps me grounded. So, stop worrying, self!

I am excited about getting the Skype set up for video-conferencing. This is to help connect Dave and his long-distance daughter via visuals. Works really well, and made for a good laugh as we tried to get the tech working on both ends.

The guilt and betrayal thing just found its way to the light of day. As I straddle decisions on work and home apparently I needed to see that maintaining my own sense of self and activities does and will help me cope with grief. What began as an update and progress report to a colleague for future work together turned into my journal thoughts whether I wanted it or not.

It is often suggested to write a letter to someone you know, or to the deceased, or to yourself as needed to get pen to paper. In fact, the Storybooks for Healing program has a specific letter writing exercise, too. I absolutely believe that giving  yourself an audience as you write is critical for completing any piece of writing.  Here, my e-mail brought out my previously un-admitted guilt feelings about work because I was writing to a professional contact.

To this end, I bring these thoughts to this audience as a sample of the power of consistent reflective writing and how they can pop out at odd times. (No writing is ever wasted.) And now, I need to go rewrite an e-mail…

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