November 29, 2010

Ugh!  Breathe.

Last night as Dave shut down his computer, the e-mail arrived.

I heard his slow slumbering up the stairs.  And he came to my office door.  “I had an e-mail from Dr. Williams.  It was negative.”

Negative.  No targeted therapy.  No “easier” way.

“I’m sorry,” was all I could think of.

There was so little to say.  Just sit with the thoughts.

Our next step will be to meet with her, Dr. Williams.  Dave thought it will be on Thursday.  In her e-mail, she had suggested tomorrow, well Monday, today.

I’m surprised he put this appointment off for a few days.  This goes to show how much he needs to absorb the information.  Hopefully Dr. Williams can send him info about chemo to digest.

I remember now some past feelings.  How cancer is his and ours at the same time.  I speak in the plural – our cancer, our treatment, but it is singularly his.  He has to face the truth sentencing this cancer has on his mind and body.  I am an arm’s length away.

This time, age, cancer, diagnosis has made Dave understandably more vulnerable.  Well, because he is.  As we watch TV and that the other morning, trouble kitty snuggled into my lap for an ear scratching and petting.  “I wish I could do that,” said Dave.  Ahh.  He needs comforting.  I’ll do my best to make sure he knows how much I love him.

I have to say, penning out some thoughts is so releasing.  At least I can hear myself think.


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