Permission Granted

Monday, April 30, 2012

It’s really pretty simple: I miss Dave’s company. The bottom line to how I feel is that I miss his company. After so many years we came to the place of resembling each other and finishing each others’ thought.

There is a quotation in my file I’ve left unused for a long time. (I maintain a computer file of interesting quotes I find for possible use as inspiration on my Navigating Grief Facebook page. The only criterion is that it may resonate with me in some way about life, grief, love, loss…)

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Confronting Change

Monday, April 23, 2012

Ebb and flow. I think about the tides on the shore. Coming in. Going out. Pounding at times. Calmly and steadily swelling and shrinking. Eroding the coastline as sand washes out to sea. Bringing in treasures of life. Washing away and purging in a never ending cycle of life and death, before and after.

My last writing about the SCDS was difficult to express. I want the so called normal back I suppose. The normal of life with Dave and the normal of good health. Everyone in bereavement knows about the “new normal” one is required to define for life after a death. I am no different.

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Fears and Doubts and Guilt

Friday April 13, 2012

Yes, I’m not ready. No, I am ready. (Who’s playing first. What’s on first? What’s on second. I don’t know. He’s on third.)

I’m so confused. I wrote in my journal earlier this week and I am just sitting on it, still tweaking before I send it live on this Grief Reflection blog. But I can’t seem to post it and I have felt emotionally spent ever since. So of course I ask myself “why?” And here I am writing about writing it out.
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After Life

Wednesday April 4, 2012

“On Monday, I was empty” I wrote in my journal last Thursday. I was so depleted that I really couldn’t write much more then or even until today. As big was the service, the fall was just as large.

After the memorial I cried and cried. The next few days were some of the most emotional I have felt since Dave’s death, with swings of confidence and loss; gratitude and sadness, optimism and loneliness. The roller coaster is back and the grief is magnified by the similar steps after his physical death: cleaning up finding meaning in little nuances of daily life, reminiscing, packing and unpacking memorabilia, seeking out comfort, answering calls from friends. The memorial was his death all over again, emotionally this time. And perhaps in some ways these last 10 day have been my most difficult. Now I face his daily absence as I pick up the pieces of my singular life.
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