The Cost of Hospice

Thursday, June 30, 2011

It’s time to check in with myself. Not that I don’t do so constantly with all the noise in my head. Writing slows me down to listen better.

I know I repeat myself: another week has passed, noted by the Wednesday nurse’s visit. Fortunately these visits are rather unremarkable since Dave is holding the status quo. Vital signs normal, with use of oxygen his O2 saturation percentage is rather good, maintaining liquid input, getting around the room at will, not much pain (or easily controlled)…

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Half Empty

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I’ve come to a moment of discovery that the proverbial glass is actually not half full, but in reality is half empty. This is not a simple optimist / pessimist outlook, but an actual check on the facts.

Dave is dying.
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Father’s Day

Monday, June 20, 2011

As you might imagine, yesterday was the biggest Father’s Day gathering I’ve witnessed! All of the “kids” were here for a potluck barbeque, (cloudy, but no rain) along with some grandchildren and spouses and significant others.  At one time we had all the dining room chairs and office chairs and a couple of benches lining the bedroom where Dave stays to accommodate most everyone. It was Standing Room Only!

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Yes, Story

Friday, June 17, 2011

When I accepted Dave’s proposal to marry, and later said “I do,” I accepted the calculated risk that I would outlive him because of our age difference (women tend to outlive men anyway). Regardless, I had a deep sense soon after we met that I would know, love and “feed him pudding” in our old age together. Since then, pudding has been an ongoing reference for us. We’re not yet “both old” but pudding is one of the few foods he still likes right now!
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When the Landscape Changes

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My kitchen sink has a window to the back yard. The heart of the home. Here I watch the seasons change when preparing meals, cleaning up, completing the routine chores of daily life. We’ve lived here since 1999. We are the first owners, having moved into a row of similar “planned” development houses. Regardless, over the years, we’ve turned a house into our home.
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Grief Reflection: Dave Hitchens in office 2010

This (Time) Too Shall Pass

Monday, June 6, 2011

Grief work takes time. I’d be the first to offer my permission for taking the time needed to synthesize, appreciate and focus on the now to anyone paying attention to their grief. I’d say breath, the other “stuff” will be there tomorrow, this is important mental health care (in sentiment, not in those words!), make sure you will have no regrets later…  Permission is the paradox for those who work in bereavement and face their own loss. We are caregivers to others all day long, but often forget to give ourselves the same permission to take the time grief needs.
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A Little More

Monday, May 30, 2011. Memorial Day

This past week has been all about a little more. A little more pain, A little more medicine. A little more sleeping. A little more panting. A little more oxygen. A little more visitors. A little more searching for names and memories.

A little more…

Incremental dying.
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