January 17, 2011
Several things on my mind today:
I’m writing on the laptop so I can sit in my chair and drink coffee. That’s how I like to write – coffee and chair – before the “computer” is turned on. We’ll see if this suffices as “my moment.” I still think handwriting is the most revealing.
Monday is weigh-in for me. I am at the age that weight goes on easily and is a fight to take off. The holidays wiped out all my progress over the summer, but that Godiva chocolate (and cookies, and crème brulee, and gravy…) was yummy! But it’s really not my weight I’m thinking about (too much), it’s that Dave’s was down 3.5 pounds at his last weigh in during his radiation check up. I find myself anxious to see what the difference is at the doctor’s office on Friday as that will be a full month since his weigh in there. With little external markers for his health right now, the weight is all I have as a reading to how he is doing.
There is a bit of relief this week. I can already feel that without our morning appointments to radiation I can relax a little. There isn’t a day that has gone by that I am not acutely aware of our circumstances, but I try not to mention some worry or detail every day. (I doubt I’m successful at this yet) Even asking Dave “How did you sleep?” (not so good anymore, when it was already bad) or “How are your feeling?” always has an implication of “Are you dying?” to me even though I asked these questions before the cancer diagnosis. I don’t like that at all. That’s not my intent. Yet, it is an unwanted silent interpretation.
I was saying, perhaps I can step back a bit and not need to write so frantically to purge my thoughts; that I can enjoy what is right now; that I can divert myself back to business since we have a few days of what will be the “old routine.” I like that.