The Grief Tsunami

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I may have declared that “my grief is well diminished” just a few sentences and days ago, but clearly grief is not finished with me!

I have all sorts of metaphors bouncing around in my head. I have awakened with a hangover, not from drink but from crying. I’m tired, headachy – the almost-a-migraine kind, with pressure behind my eyes; I thought about staying in bed, but I fell asleep so early last night that I am not want to hang out. I am “half a bubble off” – as in the carpenter’s level when the object is slightly askew regardless of how it appears. This is one of Dave’s favorite sayings we used throughout our years. Half a bubble off is a great descriptor to my last couple of weeks if I look closely. It is even more evident in my recent consciousness as I ignored my own statements apologizing for not being myself, or having lost patience, being too curt and direct, or wondering why I wasn’t remembering what I had done or not done in the day. I refused to honor the voice in my head that said I should cancel a personal meeting to which I could only show up, but not pay attention, much less emit love. These are not earth shattering moments that come out of being human, but not very good decisions that leave me vulnerable to feeling not so perfect once again. Is it possible to feel simultaneously old and like I’ll never grow up at the same time?!

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Grief by Calendar

September 10, 2012

I have lots of plans today. Not all of them so much fun. Some financial record keeping. The refrigerator needs a clean-out before I go get any more groceries, of which I’m down to tuna and peanut butter. I do look forward delving into the finishing details of program development for Storybooks for Healing online, but that has to wait.

Yet, here I am completely distracted because I can’t control the calendar! I can’t schedule my grief. Believe me, I try! (Best to feel in the moment, anyway)

Since I last wrote officially so much has transpired. I have been busier than ever, and happily so, but that doesn’t mean the grief disappears. In a funny, that is odd, way, I have had more difficulty since passing the milestone six months since Dave died. This is hard for me to articulate because this is so much more feeling than intellectual. I feel the loss, the missing, the emptiness. I have more time to notice because Dave isn’t here to fill the time with me. Read more