Saturday, September 15, 2012
I may have declared that “my grief is well diminished” just a few sentences and days ago, but clearly grief is not finished with me!
I have all sorts of metaphors bouncing around in my head. I have awakened with a hangover, not from drink but from crying. I’m tired, headachy – the almost-a-migraine kind, with pressure behind my eyes; I thought about staying in bed, but I fell asleep so early last night that I am not want to hang out. I am “half a bubble off” – as in the carpenter’s level when the object is slightly askew regardless of how it appears. This is one of Dave’s favorite sayings we used throughout our years. Half a bubble off is a great descriptor to my last couple of weeks if I look closely. It is even more evident in my recent consciousness as I ignored my own statements apologizing for not being myself, or having lost patience, being too curt and direct, or wondering why I wasn’t remembering what I had done or not done in the day. I refused to honor the voice in my head that said I should cancel a personal meeting to which I could only show up, but not pay attention, much less emit love. These are not earth shattering moments that come out of being human, but not very good decisions that leave me vulnerable to feeling not so perfect once again. Is it possible to feel simultaneously old and like I’ll never grow up at the same time?!