Today, Five Minutes at a Time

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Gotta write. If nothing else just to do something productive. I have a desire to scream and withdraw. Less today than yesterday, and probably less after I release these noises in my head. My jabbering voice. My noisy heartbeat. My ears. The squeaky joints.  Now I have a limp to accompany the vestibular challenge.
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One Year Ago

Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving Morning 6:00 am

One year ago.

I just want to write enough to acknowledge my first thoughts this morning. One year ago I started writing, looking for the silver lining after Dave’s diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. We are all “temps” Dave would say, referring to the now past Dead Like Me television series.

One year ago. I started a private handwritten journal to release the fear and worry and angst of change. The anticipation of loss.
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Shopping for Change

Monday, November 21, 2011

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

When the going gets tough the tough go shopping. Or so I’ve heard.

I almost resemble that remark. I do spend a bit more money on things when I feel stressed. Or maybe stressed isn’t the right word.  It is stress, but it is the stress that comes from not being able to control what’s happening around me, as in Dave’s health. So I make buying choices. I control my environment.
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Is It Time to Grieve Yet?

Monday, November 14, 2011

We, individuals, really do process death differently. That goes for impending death, too.

Last Friday when Leah was over, she mentioned having a “family meeting.” That is, all the six kids would be gathering on Sunday (yesterday) to talk about taking care of Dave. It was a bit of a shocker – well, more perplexing to me – and as Dave noted, he would have thought this type of meeting would happen when he was half-comatose.
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Tides of the Season

Sunday November 6, 2011

Time keeps marching on whether I want it to or not. It’s the height of holiday season now that we have passed Halloween.

We have lots of trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood – well over 100. I buy two huge Costco bags of candy and some non-food item, usually pencils. It’s a surprise for the kids and parents usually. Halloween is just plain fun and entertainment to me. Dave was upstairs of course and Leah was with her friends, so it was just me left to answer the door. And really, just me. In past years I’ve had to hook up Lucky dog on the leash and he would nose his way out the door and greet the kids. As a medium sized shepherd mix he could look some of the younger kids in the eyes. He was always gentle and let the kids pet him. In fact they pretty much had to get through him to the candy bowl. I missed him this year.
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